I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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