Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
