It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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