Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
