I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
