I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
