it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
