Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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