So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
