Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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