I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
