have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
