I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
