2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
