I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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