My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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