My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
