What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
