I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
