I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
