Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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