Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
