atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
