After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
