The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
