Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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