I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
