Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
