Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
