can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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