It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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