how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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