the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
