I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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