I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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