Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
