Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I want to be your penis for a week.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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