Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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