Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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