Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
