Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
