Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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