remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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