The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
