Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
