maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
