I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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