i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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