We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
