Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
