I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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